'every place i go, i think of you.. every song i sing - i sing for you.. when i come back, i wear your wedding ring [ok ok rings are optional].. so kiss me & smile for me.. tell me that you'll wait for me.. hold me like you'll never let me go.. i'm leaving on a jet plane - i don't know when i'll be back again.. oh babe, i REALLY hate to go..'


-- you've made quite an impact on me. influenced me in ways no friend has in a while.. i'm not leaving just for me. i'm leaving for you, too. as a romantic gesture.. that hopefully, when i return home.. you'll get to know the man behind the mask, and we can both open our hearts to one another.. leaving behind this apparent shield protecting us from the fruits of love. if you read this & don't get it, or - don't reciprocate.. no hard feelings.. cause you got me there. where i need to be. i won't be gone long -- just long enough. -- if you don't feel the same way as i do about you.. i'll find another you, like you'll find a much better ME. and we'll live happily ever-after.


For those of you that read this - I have some news. I am going to rehab. Well, back to rehab. Recently, I have uncovered horrific memories and occurrences that have happened to me in my life that I've allowed myself to block out due to the fact that I had/have no coping skills.. I coped with everything I went through with drugs. It started with weed.. and one thing lead to another -- and there I am with a needle in my arm with a boy named Derick whom I thought I loved so.. I tried the unthinkable.

Some horrible things happened to me when I was a child... Your guess is probably as good as everyone else's - if you get what I'm saying.. So. There you have it. I don't have to air my dirty laundry on some ridiculous, cliché website -- but I feel like I sort of need to. Or, I want to. I found happiness in a human being in the past few weeks, and I've been hiding things from him -- things that I just can't go about hiding anymore.. and I've got to go to a REAL rehab -Lakeside, I'm sorry, was a piece of shit.. They let me out WAY too soon. &. Well, I may make the entry about my trip to Lakeside unprivate for those of you that care to read- for more than FOUR fucking days.

I'm going to The Watershed in Palm Beach.. For thirty days, I believe. My parents want me to stay as long as possible.. but I only want to stay for thirty.. This is going to be the hardest thing I think I've ever done in my entire life.. and I'm already starting to cry just thinking about it.. but I've got to go. I have got to work out these issues that I've never even come face to face with until now.. Which is why I relapsed as bad as I did.

My plane leaves at 7:00pm. I love you all. Those of you who read it. Idk. Thanks for reading, if you did.


( pics of the resort-hab at which i'll be staying. )


ps. To see the larger photos of the pics of me in this entry - simply click on them! hah. Just thought I'd throw that out there. ;]

hey wow.
cool .gif brah!
long time no blog.
not that anyone reads this stuff.
ha ha ha.

oh, life. maybe I will start writing here again.

If you actually see/read this - please comment.
Just so I'll know that someone actually knows this...
Still exists? Idk. Kthx.

---

"when i'm by myself, nobody can
say goodbye.. ....
when I'm all alone, it's the best way to be
when i'm by myself, nobody else can say..
me, I'm a part of your circle of friends -
& we notice you don't come around..."
- Edie Brickell

---

( recent photos/collages made with them/etc. )




Life lately has been something I've never experienced before. Obviously. but in a different way. There's this boy I kind of like.. We'll call him Pinky. He's adorable. Loves him. He is so sweet.. I just can't really figure out what he wants with me.. Or what he's doing with me.. Why he would even want to "cuddle"... etc.. In the first place -- with me. I guess half the fun of pseudo-dating someone is finding out. Those of you that know me know how hard it is for me to let people in.. Especially new people.. Especially boys and girls that I may or may not someday in the future be romantically linked. Idk. More on that later. Much more. I say that, but I'll probably come back in like six months and say the same thing.. "Oh this is kinda fun! Maybe I'll start posting here again! derrrr..." -- and then never come back. But for the time being - I'm serious about it. So. That's worth something, isn't it? Yes.







( now on to little photoshop collages I made. )

They tried to make me go to rehab
-- & i said - go, go, go


It's been a long time since I've updated. I doubt anyone even uses livejournal for anything other than the Oh No They Didn't community anymore. hah. Maybe they do. Idk.

( So I checked myself into rehab.... )